The Trough

So. Karma is truly a bitch. Whether I like it or not, I have practically destroyed my life, by myself. First off, no good deed goes unpunished. For serious. I set up my two predominant crushes up with eachother, and they are going off without a hitch. Second, the one person I am pretty much obsessed with doesn't look twice at me. I halfly pursued someone who was preoccupies, and I pretty much killed him with my ignoring him. Karma is not only a bitch.... But a total TWAT!! Jesus. . .

Well, this is awkward...

So, it's been far too long. . . . . Whatever I'm over it.
ANYWAYS
I've had this fatal attraction to one of my good friends for the LONGEST time. And he came out to me as BICURIOUS (holla back, time to tap!.... you would think). He told me later that we have "a hetero bond that cannot be broken. :( Gay best friend?" which didn't bother me as much as the fact as that I AM PERFECT FOR HIM. Oh well, there was this guy that I was really tryng to get closer to, for the longest time, but, I made a huge mistake and we didn't talk for several months, now, we are friends again, and we speak and communicate on a regular basis, and I like him. But, this bicurious guy we are so upset about, just got thrown around like a ragdoll from 4 Christmas' ago, and I feel so bad for him (this trick was a total douche bag to him, HOLLA BACK! vulnerble tap!..... you would think). And I really wanted for him to forget about it, because I hate seeing my friends in pain. So, I gave him the guy-I-like's number, because he thought he was attractive and would be a good escape from Trick/Douche Bag.

Case and Point I am EXTREMELY unintelligent.
Fuck. Me.

Lifetime

Stanley is my child. Whatever any one may say to contradict this statement, screw you.... royally. This post has no purpose. I'm sorry. I really can't decipher my thoughts at the moment. I have a huge finally in less than five hours, and I'm just trying to find an outlet for my stress and keep me distracted for a few minutes. Few things are new. How long am I going to have to wait for something exciting to happen. We're studying evolution in Biology and it really puts a lifetime in retrospect for me. It seems to me that a year takes forever to pass, sometimes it takes forever and a half to get through a day. But think about it, 4 million years ago, bipedalists were just beginning to evolve. And the Earth was created billions of years ago. Crazy, right? One human lifetime, almost one century is just a blip that is the time line of Earth. Life is so short! I could get hit by a bus tomorrow (knock on wood) and I would just be another statistic. Theres so much I want to do with my life, go to college, get my masters, become a Philosophical Doctor in Mammalian Behavior. But thats so far away, but it's not. I just want something to occur, something new, exciting.

Have you ever thought, if you died, who would cry? I know, it causes you to look so self-centered, but I've been thinking about it off and on. When I die, I hope that I am able to see people who I knew, and see how they react. It's weird to say, I know, but it's just something I want fulfilled. Neil Patrick Harris (synonymous with God) hear my prayer.
Thanks.

Stanley says goodnight.

Purpose

Life. Sucks. Almost nothing has gotten any better. All my friends' lives are getting better and better, but mine?...... still fucking sucks. I'm so happy that you're all teddy bears and unicorns now, really. But honestly, I'm about twenty seconds away from self mutilation, but I'm too scared it will hurt and then I will just have gross scars for the rest of my life. Fuck.

I recently read this book, "Thirteen Reasons Why", about this girl who kills herself and records tapes and sends them to the thirteen people who drove her to kill herself. This excellent novel (which I highly recommend), made me think of my thirteen reasons, which also lead me to think, are they valid enough yet? Not really, but everyday, they seem to be getting more and more clear.

It's not like I'm planning to kill myself, that's not me... I'm just seeing no light at the end of the tunnel, I'm not seeing the worth in getting up in the morning, and I'm not seeing anything involving me improving.

Like today, in English class, I know it means nothing, but, there were some things said that I knew were meant as jokes, but I took one of them extremely seriously...

Do you have a purpose? Can you describe it in thirty words or less? Can someone else?

...No, No, and........ no.

Whatever.

Mint Julep Mask

I'm trying to relax, while cleaning my pores. Not really working. My family life has been quite shifty lately. My mom gets drunker by the hour and then calls me out. I try to be a good child and explain things and give her warning. Then she turns it back around and insinuates I'm turning into my brother. Which is an insult above all. My father and I are still not really speaking. And it bugs me. I really just want a perfect, cliche family. I wish I was born into a different family so I could at least experience what it is like to have a good, wholesome, happy family life. I really wish I could've experienced that. But I promise this, when I adopt my cute little potty trained third world country child. I will give it the best life possible. The best.

How odd.

Love never disappears. There are so many examples of this. Like my drunk mother letting my screwed up brother back into the house. Like someone who never stops loving another although they have broken their heart broken numerous times. Like the constant couple who will get back together and break up and repeat the process like it is labeled on a shampoo bottle. These types of people annoy me, so much. Even though I am one of these, that part of me annoys me. I just wanna curl up into a tiny little ball and die. Every day of my life I am reminded that I am completely alone. I really don't want someone, I NEED someone. But nothing is going on, ever. I just need to wait a while, but I've been waiting forever. Ugh. God. I've just become so bitter and I hate it. And I want to change, believe me reader, I really do, but I just can't. There's nothing I can do. Self mutilation is so unsatisfying...... I'm kidding. I think I just have to realize there isn't anything I can do, and the sooner I realize that, the more comfortable I will become with having to be asexual, because who wants this piece of desperate meat?

With love....I guess,
Me

I stand here...

Not knowing what to write about, just knowing that I need to write. I try to pour all my feelings onto this page but at can be difficult sometimes. Can I tell you secret? Well, I no longer feel comfortable in my own house? Is this normal for someone at my age? Is this just a phase, or is this a special situation that I need to realize is unique to me and I need to adjust accordingly? I have no idea. And truly. It scares the living hell out of me. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so powerless and weak. I am not in control and thats terrifying. I want so bad;y to be able to predict the outcome of this situation but I am not able to. I really just hope that I am able to come out stronger and uninjured. Hopefully. I'm begging to talk to an upper being. Looking for guidance. Not God. It still doesn't have a name. Or a gender. I don't know. I just don't. But I need to find out here pretty quickly. Like, soon. I need something set in stone that I can rely on.

With constant love and commotion,
Me