Understanding

This week wasn't a large struggle for me, I went to school, went to rehearsal then went to a club meeting today that made me want to gauge out my eyes. I lived with this week and semi-enjoyed it. Two friends didn't have such a good week. Both of them are wonderful, funny, beautiful friends I met at school. One friend, who confided her problem in me first, was about her relationship, a very rocky one, but overall an admirable one. The second one, happened only today, she had a relative (a close one I would assume) pass. Both of these two friends I felt extremely empathetic for. Even though I had neither of these occurrences effect me. I still felt for them. Why can't people understand other people's problems even if they haven't been through them, you can still feel for them. People say you wouldn't understand, yeah right, I bet I can relate or at least hug you and make you feel loved. I have so much respect for the people who know the person their talking to won't have a clue in hell what they are talking about, but they still cough it up and see what they can say. I like to think I am one of these people, because I know how much it pisses me off! Anyways, I know there are some people who can understand pain without having to have that pain, this I am supremely jealous for, they can offer the best advice without having to concoct the advice through pain themselves. And there are the people who pretend they understand but really don't and try to lie and say they do, these people also annoy me. A lot of people annoy me, a lot. Besides the point, I would like to thank these two young women for trusting me enough as a friend and person to tell me these bits of information, it truly makes me feel that I can help people, even in small ways, like hugging a friend after her grandma has past, or telling a friend you love her after you get a text saying "He broke up with me.". It truly lets me think that I am doing something right in this world at that moment in time.

Downfalls

I will probably get no sleep tonight. That's okay. I will probably get no homework done. That's okay. I probably won't eat today. That's okay. I probably will smile only a few times today. I will cry over him today. That's not okay.
Much, much, much, much has happened since I last posted in November. Do I regret anything that's happened? No, not at all. Do I regret how it ended (meaning how I let it end)? You betcha sweet ass I do. I accomplished a lot in a short period of time. I was surprised with my success and the speediness of my life. I mean, honestly, I was asked to a dance, had a "boyfriend", felt good about life, and put trust into somebody. All these different things had there own downfall.
To begin:
1) The dance was kind of the begining of it all, the start of the drifting where I could feel him lose interest, and it's kind of like a bad car crash, you really want to look away, but you really can't. Believe me, I had the best time of my life at this dance, I felt like I belonged with his friends, but I felt that he didn't want me there.
2)I thought we were together, I was so completely wrong. So, so, so, wrong. I later figured out that he may have told a few lies just to please me. Which is okay, I guess, people lie.
3)I still feel okay about life, I'm not having the desire to die any time soon. But I feel that the quality of my life is so terrible now. He has a new guy that has already given him a hickey the size of a small celestial body. It just pisses me off and makes me feel so useless and unloved that someone could treat me that way and treat someone else the same way within weeks of each other.
4)It took me quite some time to put trust in to this guy. I don't think I will be able to trust someone so easily again. I really would be okay if I didn't have to trust anyone new again.

These were the downfalls, now, according to my best friend Newton, what goes up, must come down. But what about shit going down? Does that come back up?

See how much tension I have? Too much... Oh well, I'll be okay, this helped. But FUCK, I need to get laid.

Parties

So after a play I was in the cast for, we all went to a cast party to hang out. We were there pretty late. And I have officially discovered that when the time passes, even if I am as sober as can be, I will seem, act, and talk like I am intoxicated. And I guess it's somewhat funny, but it frightens me to when I will actually come to the point where I will be able to consume alcohol freely and will get completely plastered. Point aside there was some strange going ons at this party.

First, there was a boy. There always is. It's high school. But this boy I've known for a while. And even though some stuff happened that should not make me forgive and forget. But I did. And when I was there, just to see the way he looked at me, killed me inside. The thing is, this dieing wasn't bad, it was the euphoric rush you feel when you see that person that you have interest in. The rush to the face. The numbness of the fingers. The slight loss of breathe. The high you get from romance... I knew to keep my guard up around him even though we are "cool", but somewhere along the way, that guard went on break for a little bit, and we obviously flirted for a while. I would endearingly condescend him while he would find a way to touch my knee or my back. As he left I realized. I like him. I never stopped. I was angry for what he said and the way he acted. But I liked him the entire time. He left and I was somewhat upset that I didn't leave with him (as he left with a group of mutual friends). I wanted to make the moment entirely cliche' and run down into his arms, but I realized, what if he is just trying to mess with me, I wouldn't put it entirely past him. This, of course, made me angry and made me think. While this entire shenanigans was occurring, one of my dearest friends, was in the exact situation I was in. With a different boy.

Now the thought is, "take the chance on him". I would, I really would, but theres a catch. Yup. Another boy. Now this one is relatively new, he goes to SOTA, and is the sweetest thing that could walk the Earth, he is adorable in every way. This aside I'm not entirely sure on how I feel about him. I like him, but I don't. There are some things that throw me off kilter of the date-o-meter. He ask's me some strange things and seems to dig for compliments. I don't know how I would do with him romantically. I really don't.

Anyway, this friend and I were laying on the carpet in front of the elevator (where these two boys just left), and we're talking about our feelings and sorrows. She said "lets go on a walk". We run downstairs and walk outside, in the pouring down rain. We continue out and she looks around quickly to see if the group was still there, they were not. We cross the street and up the street comes one single car, with this boy in it." Yes!" she must have thought, and for a moment I though that she was gonna jump into the car. But alas, just a smile and a wave. We continued down the street, turning the corner and proceeding into the parking garage of the nearby school. And there I see, the Toyota Camry that I remember so well. I see it and somewhat want to jump into it, and wait for him to return. Because he is elsewhere with other friends. But, alas, I didn't. We went up one more level to the tennis courts and just wait there, listening to the sound of the rain pittering on the tennis courts while discussing our problems. Suddenly she said "he really liked you". Kind of making it sound like I was the one who broke it off. "I really liked him, I still really like him." And then we spilled about what would happen if it was a perfect world and a typical teen romance movie. And made our way back to the apartment.

When we arrived once more, I saw my other wonderful friend and we proceeded to go inside. We went to a large closet where we could fit many a people. We sit and talk, and eventually the girls leave, which leaves three gays remaining. I lay my head on one guy, who is someone I have a minuscule amount of history with, but we're more of friends. We talk in that closet for the next 2 or 3 hours. This guy and I got quite touchy feel-y. Nothing big happened, but we did connect, for he is having a weird love life as well. After many a different topics I eventually leave at 3 a.m. And am sitting here writing this post and re-thinking about my night last night. And it may seem like I had the worst time, but I loved it. It was the best time I have had in a very, very long time.