Well, this is awkward...

So, it's been far too long. . . . . Whatever I'm over it.
ANYWAYS
I've had this fatal attraction to one of my good friends for the LONGEST time. And he came out to me as BICURIOUS (holla back, time to tap!.... you would think). He told me later that we have "a hetero bond that cannot be broken. :( Gay best friend?" which didn't bother me as much as the fact as that I AM PERFECT FOR HIM. Oh well, there was this guy that I was really tryng to get closer to, for the longest time, but, I made a huge mistake and we didn't talk for several months, now, we are friends again, and we speak and communicate on a regular basis, and I like him. But, this bicurious guy we are so upset about, just got thrown around like a ragdoll from 4 Christmas' ago, and I feel so bad for him (this trick was a total douche bag to him, HOLLA BACK! vulnerble tap!..... you would think). And I really wanted for him to forget about it, because I hate seeing my friends in pain. So, I gave him the guy-I-like's number, because he thought he was attractive and would be a good escape from Trick/Douche Bag.

Case and Point I am EXTREMELY unintelligent.
Fuck. Me.

Lifetime

Stanley is my child. Whatever any one may say to contradict this statement, screw you.... royally. This post has no purpose. I'm sorry. I really can't decipher my thoughts at the moment. I have a huge finally in less than five hours, and I'm just trying to find an outlet for my stress and keep me distracted for a few minutes. Few things are new. How long am I going to have to wait for something exciting to happen. We're studying evolution in Biology and it really puts a lifetime in retrospect for me. It seems to me that a year takes forever to pass, sometimes it takes forever and a half to get through a day. But think about it, 4 million years ago, bipedalists were just beginning to evolve. And the Earth was created billions of years ago. Crazy, right? One human lifetime, almost one century is just a blip that is the time line of Earth. Life is so short! I could get hit by a bus tomorrow (knock on wood) and I would just be another statistic. Theres so much I want to do with my life, go to college, get my masters, become a Philosophical Doctor in Mammalian Behavior. But thats so far away, but it's not. I just want something to occur, something new, exciting.

Have you ever thought, if you died, who would cry? I know, it causes you to look so self-centered, but I've been thinking about it off and on. When I die, I hope that I am able to see people who I knew, and see how they react. It's weird to say, I know, but it's just something I want fulfilled. Neil Patrick Harris (synonymous with God) hear my prayer.
Thanks.

Stanley says goodnight.

Purpose

Life. Sucks. Almost nothing has gotten any better. All my friends' lives are getting better and better, but mine?...... still fucking sucks. I'm so happy that you're all teddy bears and unicorns now, really. But honestly, I'm about twenty seconds away from self mutilation, but I'm too scared it will hurt and then I will just have gross scars for the rest of my life. Fuck.

I recently read this book, "Thirteen Reasons Why", about this girl who kills herself and records tapes and sends them to the thirteen people who drove her to kill herself. This excellent novel (which I highly recommend), made me think of my thirteen reasons, which also lead me to think, are they valid enough yet? Not really, but everyday, they seem to be getting more and more clear.

It's not like I'm planning to kill myself, that's not me... I'm just seeing no light at the end of the tunnel, I'm not seeing the worth in getting up in the morning, and I'm not seeing anything involving me improving.

Like today, in English class, I know it means nothing, but, there were some things said that I knew were meant as jokes, but I took one of them extremely seriously...

Do you have a purpose? Can you describe it in thirty words or less? Can someone else?

...No, No, and........ no.

Whatever.

Mint Julep Mask

I'm trying to relax, while cleaning my pores. Not really working. My family life has been quite shifty lately. My mom gets drunker by the hour and then calls me out. I try to be a good child and explain things and give her warning. Then she turns it back around and insinuates I'm turning into my brother. Which is an insult above all. My father and I are still not really speaking. And it bugs me. I really just want a perfect, cliche family. I wish I was born into a different family so I could at least experience what it is like to have a good, wholesome, happy family life. I really wish I could've experienced that. But I promise this, when I adopt my cute little potty trained third world country child. I will give it the best life possible. The best.

How odd.

Love never disappears. There are so many examples of this. Like my drunk mother letting my screwed up brother back into the house. Like someone who never stops loving another although they have broken their heart broken numerous times. Like the constant couple who will get back together and break up and repeat the process like it is labeled on a shampoo bottle. These types of people annoy me, so much. Even though I am one of these, that part of me annoys me. I just wanna curl up into a tiny little ball and die. Every day of my life I am reminded that I am completely alone. I really don't want someone, I NEED someone. But nothing is going on, ever. I just need to wait a while, but I've been waiting forever. Ugh. God. I've just become so bitter and I hate it. And I want to change, believe me reader, I really do, but I just can't. There's nothing I can do. Self mutilation is so unsatisfying...... I'm kidding. I think I just have to realize there isn't anything I can do, and the sooner I realize that, the more comfortable I will become with having to be asexual, because who wants this piece of desperate meat?

With love....I guess,
Me

I stand here...

Not knowing what to write about, just knowing that I need to write. I try to pour all my feelings onto this page but at can be difficult sometimes. Can I tell you secret? Well, I no longer feel comfortable in my own house? Is this normal for someone at my age? Is this just a phase, or is this a special situation that I need to realize is unique to me and I need to adjust accordingly? I have no idea. And truly. It scares the living hell out of me. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so powerless and weak. I am not in control and thats terrifying. I want so bad;y to be able to predict the outcome of this situation but I am not able to. I really just hope that I am able to come out stronger and uninjured. Hopefully. I'm begging to talk to an upper being. Looking for guidance. Not God. It still doesn't have a name. Or a gender. I don't know. I just don't. But I need to find out here pretty quickly. Like, soon. I need something set in stone that I can rely on.

With constant love and commotion,
Me

Untitled

I'm confused, about several things. Several things, I don't even know how to express them! Honestly. Oh well, it's whatever. My life is at a stand still, nothing exciting is happening. St. Patrick's day is tomorrow, and thats about it. I wish I had my license so I could do something exciting to potentially lose it. I have no idea why I'm even writing this, who is listening?! No one! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!! I just need a grip. I also need a new lifestyle. You want to know how superficial I am? I get next to no text messages a day and it pisses me off. Honestly, I wish I had some random person to just talk to, I have one person I just text ALL the time, and bless her heart. But I mean, I would like to text someone else once in a while, instead of Eva. I love her so so so so so so so so much, but I'm sure she gets annoyed when I text nobody but her. Oh well, my sorrows certainly don't matter that much. Moving on, but of course, there is nothing to move on to, stand still...remember? Goodness I need to stop bitching.

With neutral, unchanging love,

Me

Well...

It's been a while, hasn't it? I apologize. Life has been somewhat hectic. The play is over, yay/nay. I will miss it and am glad it's in the past. Again, another cast party. And of course, drama. Except this one was kind of far fetched, remember the boy I got all comfy with last time? Well, I invited him to this cast party (the host being his ex-boyfriend), to 1. avoid the host, and 2. catch up with him. Well, the plan worked, somewhat. The host eventually cornered me and we had an AWKWARDDDD conversation. I appreciate his determination, but it was just terribly awkward. Afterwards, I left with the friend, and we hung out a little bit, spoke a little, and just vented overall. I thoroughly enjoyed the evening. To say the least. I just wanted to check in with you, all you four followers *pageant wave*, I PROMISE I will be here more often, because I have noticed, when I don't blog, I get insanely frustrated. So it's not only for you, it's mostly for me. Oh well.
Love,
Me

Hmm....

I've been heckled to do a new post. But what to write about? If you look to my previous posts, most of them are melancholy with a touch of hate. Now, I have a slightly satisfiable life. I can honestly say that when I sing in the shower, I sing happy songs instead of gushy love songs wishing I was in a certain situation. I go on everyday with a genuine smile on my face. I had a pretty bad experience a couple days back where I was beat up pretty badly, but I realized, I have amazing friends to go to who would not hesitate to help me, and I am so lucky for these relationships. Thank you one and all for your caring, and I hope that I am able to be as kind to you.
So I'm going to go on smiling, and not let anyone rain on my parade. Sorry, I was just watching Funny Girl.
Now if you excuse me, I need to go look at this weeks Post Secrets.

Sincerely with love,
Me

Why I am vegetarian:

- Livestock consumes 70 percent of U.S. grain production. Twenty million people die each year as a result of malnutrition and starvation. Americans could feed 100,000,000 people by reducing their intake of meat by 20 percent.

-One acre of prime land can produce many pounds of edible product. Here are a few examples:
>30,000 pounds of apples
>40,000 pounds of potatoes
>50,000 pounds of tomatoes
>250 pounds of beef

-Livestock- cattle, poultry, goats, sheep- totaling 15 billion worldwide now outnumber people three to one. Livestock graze on half of the world's mass. The explosion of livestock populations has resulted in a parallel explosion of animal wastes that pollute surface and ground water. U.S. livestock produce 230,000 pounds of excrement per second. The amount of waste created by a 10,000-head feed lot is equal to the waste of a city of 110,000 people.

-World livestock production is now a significant factor in the emission of two of the four global warming gases: carbon dioxide and methane. Every steak we eat ha the same effect as a 25-mile drive in a typical American car.

-Each year, an estimated 125,000 square miles off rainforest are permanently destroyed, bringing about the extinction of approximately 1,000 plant and animal species.

-Producing 1 pound of feedlot steak results in the loss of 35 pounds of topsoil. It takes 200 to 1,000 years to form one inch of topsoil.

-It takes 2,500 gallons of water to produce 1 edible pound of beef. It takes 49 gallons of water to produce 1 edible pound of apples.

-Eighty percent of the meat produced in the United States contains drugs that are passed on to you when you eat it.

-Animal products contain large quantities of saturated fat and cholesterol and have no dietary fiber. The U.S. surgeon general has stated that 68 percent off all diseases are diet related. A diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and grains (and free of animal products) can prevent, improve, and sometimes cure breast cancer, osteoporosis, prostate cancer, impotence and obesity.

-Seventy-five percent of federal poultry inspectors say they would not eat chicken

Answered Prayers

I know, how terribly cliche`. But I honestly have no other way to explain it. When leaving my friends house at around 3 a.m., the key to my van stuck in the tumbler, causing the car not to start, this occasionally happens but usually fixes itself within a few minutes. Well this time, it wasn't working, and after about 8 minutes of struggling, I finally took the key out and held it in my hand, closed my eyes and whispered "Please, please, please, help. Please." I breathe out and stuck the key into the ignition once again, and the car started, I nearly jumped for joy. While driving down the street, I say "Thank you, whoever 'you' are". I don't know if this was divine intervention or coincidence, but I felt pretty relieved. And left me curious whose up there, and what they think and how they choose what prayers to answer, if that is even what happened.

Understanding

This week wasn't a large struggle for me, I went to school, went to rehearsal then went to a club meeting today that made me want to gauge out my eyes. I lived with this week and semi-enjoyed it. Two friends didn't have such a good week. Both of them are wonderful, funny, beautiful friends I met at school. One friend, who confided her problem in me first, was about her relationship, a very rocky one, but overall an admirable one. The second one, happened only today, she had a relative (a close one I would assume) pass. Both of these two friends I felt extremely empathetic for. Even though I had neither of these occurrences effect me. I still felt for them. Why can't people understand other people's problems even if they haven't been through them, you can still feel for them. People say you wouldn't understand, yeah right, I bet I can relate or at least hug you and make you feel loved. I have so much respect for the people who know the person their talking to won't have a clue in hell what they are talking about, but they still cough it up and see what they can say. I like to think I am one of these people, because I know how much it pisses me off! Anyways, I know there are some people who can understand pain without having to have that pain, this I am supremely jealous for, they can offer the best advice without having to concoct the advice through pain themselves. And there are the people who pretend they understand but really don't and try to lie and say they do, these people also annoy me. A lot of people annoy me, a lot. Besides the point, I would like to thank these two young women for trusting me enough as a friend and person to tell me these bits of information, it truly makes me feel that I can help people, even in small ways, like hugging a friend after her grandma has past, or telling a friend you love her after you get a text saying "He broke up with me.". It truly lets me think that I am doing something right in this world at that moment in time.

Downfalls

I will probably get no sleep tonight. That's okay. I will probably get no homework done. That's okay. I probably won't eat today. That's okay. I probably will smile only a few times today. I will cry over him today. That's not okay.
Much, much, much, much has happened since I last posted in November. Do I regret anything that's happened? No, not at all. Do I regret how it ended (meaning how I let it end)? You betcha sweet ass I do. I accomplished a lot in a short period of time. I was surprised with my success and the speediness of my life. I mean, honestly, I was asked to a dance, had a "boyfriend", felt good about life, and put trust into somebody. All these different things had there own downfall.
To begin:
1) The dance was kind of the begining of it all, the start of the drifting where I could feel him lose interest, and it's kind of like a bad car crash, you really want to look away, but you really can't. Believe me, I had the best time of my life at this dance, I felt like I belonged with his friends, but I felt that he didn't want me there.
2)I thought we were together, I was so completely wrong. So, so, so, wrong. I later figured out that he may have told a few lies just to please me. Which is okay, I guess, people lie.
3)I still feel okay about life, I'm not having the desire to die any time soon. But I feel that the quality of my life is so terrible now. He has a new guy that has already given him a hickey the size of a small celestial body. It just pisses me off and makes me feel so useless and unloved that someone could treat me that way and treat someone else the same way within weeks of each other.
4)It took me quite some time to put trust in to this guy. I don't think I will be able to trust someone so easily again. I really would be okay if I didn't have to trust anyone new again.

These were the downfalls, now, according to my best friend Newton, what goes up, must come down. But what about shit going down? Does that come back up?

See how much tension I have? Too much... Oh well, I'll be okay, this helped. But FUCK, I need to get laid.